Life Stuff

I've been doing some thinking and it seems a little weird to be at this stage of college. Why?

Because I grew up being told by teachers, counselors, neighbors and others that "Mark" just isn't school material. Could you imagine how comforting that was?

I've spent a long, long time finding pieces to a gigantic puzzle. It didn't make sense that I was stupid. I was born with a natural ear for music and I was able to play instruments quite well at an early age. I never met a "stupid" musician then and I never have today.

There was no greater fear for me than going to school each day. I dreaded being called on but I totally loved the feeling of "not getting it" in class. Just as I was able to to get a grip of a concept the teacher was already 25 minutes further along with the lesson. I would then scramble to TRY and figure out what else I was missing. It was just another lost cause. It was another episode of "Lost and Still Lost" in my daily classroom environment.

Let's see here. What can make the daily clueless school day even better? Let's tack on the nights of homework to that. By then I had already mentally placed myself deep inside my "Tired of the Frustration" world. This world shielded me from any further prompts to lessen my already empty self-esteem. Yes, I realized the family members helping were getting more and more frustrated but it was my defense mechanism. A pre-teen's psychological state could take only so much.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that maybe I was stupid. I couldn't grasp concepts so it was a no-brainer, I'm stupid. The best tutors in school were helpless with me. Oh yeah, I must be stupid. I fell into the "dumb jock" routine early in my life. I was told by a few "Thank goodness you have talent for sports because"....you get the point.

Sports could have carried me quite far but I was missing a very important thing. I was always very immature emotionally growing up. I couldn't accept not being the best. I was better than most people without breaking a sweat but I could never handle being truely tested. It reinforced that fear I learned in the classroom. Why couldn't sports always be pleasant? Hadn't I suffered enough in the classroom to deserve some "happy time" on the basketball court or baseball field?

Here is the flip side. Yes, a lot of things were a little screwed up when I was younger but it's up to us as responsible human beings to grow. I could have given up a long time ago, never married and possibly found myself in a cozy cell with a very large man............holy freakin' crap. I know today I am not stupid and I realize my attention span is that of a 3 year-old. Yes, I'm sure it drives my wife crazy when she says something to me and I'm off in another universe. I will probably always get frustrated when it takes me 12 minutes to complete a task that Emma can do in 4.